Get a Widget
My mind grew accustomed to the programming of hate and discontent that came out from the lips of my biological  father. The years of rage and heartache would in time  transform  my weak and naïve state of mind into a  trained cold embattled soldier.
 To be told time and time again on how worthless I was  and how I could only amount to being, ” eighteen, drop out of school, get pregnant, be on welfare and be some mans object of sexual needs every night.,” stunned my developing mind. This kind of negative programming, kept  me unable to see the worth God had in store for me. Consistently  my earthly father would remind me that I was a “piece of shit” and that the only way I could ever get anywhere in life is by lying on my back, and servicing the man.”  Time and time again his demeaning comments would chip away at what little self-esteem remained
If there was a God where was he? Why would he leave me in this constant state of affliction for so long? How could a God of love  turn away from my endless years of suffering? Was he like any other authority figure in my life who could easily  look away from my pain and ignore my cries?   When I opened up the bible for the first time his word spoke to me and God shared with me how he did see my afflictions. He showed me that he was always there and how he would  keep record of all the abuse. He truly was closer to me than I thought.

 found in Psalms 56:8  “You have seen my wanderings; put the drops from my eyes into your bottle; are they not in your record?”

God recorded every agonizing moment and he counted every tear  that fell from my face. He became a personal God, a real spiritual being that is the understanding of my sorrow. I couldn’t help but thirst for more of His truth.  Two hours straight I cried at the end of my bed. I cried  to Jesus to hold me and to remove the deep embedded agony that trapped my soul in fear.for so long. I  brought to his attention how he knew what I endured and that nothing was kept from his sight. I pleaded for the very peace that he told me about in his word ; I wrestled with my sorrow;agony and I wrestled for Gods presence. 
All of a sudden a warm and peaceful power  literally put a halt to my cries. The comfort I experienced was beyond what this world could ever give, I felt it and I knew at that moment that  the hand of God touched my heart.  I never have found that kind of peace in anything that this world tried to offer me.  There became no doubt in my mind that a real God existed. That moment  became the pinnacle moment for the solid faith I have today.
When a trigger would attempt to rob me of the joy I found in Gods word I would only need to  lean on his healing power and rest in His comfortable care. I knew that what Jesus endured was an unspeakable display of cruelty and injustice.and he would and could understand. In the acts of sinful men Jesus and I shared a bond. I didn’t have to convince him of what happened.. He already knew.. 

2 Corinthians 4:

 7But we have this treasure in 20jars of clay, 21to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.8We are 22afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair;persecuted, but 23not forsaken; 24struck down, but not destroyed;1025always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, 26so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 

Through the eyes of God and not by  my  own understanding, I would only begin to understand what it meant to live with what happened to me. God to me is my father and he will always be. The impacting words I  desired to hear from my earthly father, I found in Gods letter to all mankind.  

Jeremiah 29:11

“11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Instead of a spirit that would show a defeatist attitude, my source of power and hope would be found in every transforming message found in Scripture. I could hear his small still voice whispering truth to my thirsty  sou. Gods precious character spoke directly to me and I was going to doubt but believe. Rest for my soul was attainable and I hungered for more. Every word in that passage was not forceful. He did not have to use deceit or intimidating means to reach my broken heart. It was His  kind , patient, and loving character that caught my attention. God continues to reach out to all of  humanity.. He desires to hold  us in our sufferings. if we were to only ask and believe. He took upon his body our infirmities so that we may one day live in a new earth, free of pain, suffering, and death. We have been given a direct line to divinity through prayer by faith. In any circumstance we can display the same courage and power that Jesus had when he had to face his own death.  He beckons all who are suffering and oppressed to learn of him and to take him at his word by stepping out in faith. In return he renews our spirit and we are given peace for despair, strength for fear, and beauty through ashes.

Mathew 7:8 (KJV)

 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Don’t get me wrong, choosing to keep the testimonies of Jesus and the Commandments of our Father would only bring a different set of trials. I am not immune from the spiritual warfare waged for my mind, heart, and soul.

                         Ephesians 6:12-14

Common English Bible (CEB)

12 “We aren’t fighting against human enemies but against rulers, authorities, forces of cosmic darkness, and spiritual powers of evil in the heavens. 13 Therefore pick up the full armor of God so that you can stand your ground on the evil day and after you have done everything possible to still stand. 14 So stand with the belt of truth around your waist, justice as your breastplate,”

 Gods word is a sure weapon that  humankind would be wise to keep close to the tablets of their heart. .Not because a church entity would say  so, or any man, or even myself. For I am only flesh and blood born to a sinful nature, dying daily in my flesh, and falling short of the Kingdom of Heaven. Nevertheless in the free gift of Jesus I am born again to live a life that is spiritually rewarding. Gods love for all of us is so much greater than our brains can fathom.

Hebrews 4:11-13

Common English Bible (CEB)

11″ Therefore, let’s make every effort to enter that rest so that no one will fall by after the same example of disobedience, 12 because God’s word is living, active, and sharper than any two-edged sword. It penetrates to the point that it separates the soul from the spirit and the joints from the marrow. It’s able to judge the heart’s thoughts and intentions. 13 No creäture is hidden from it, but rather everything is naked and exposed to the eyes of the one to whom we have to give an answer.”